What A Tangled Web

What a tangled web we weave for our children.

From the moment you find out you're expecting a child, you pray they are healthy. You pray that everything will be normal throughout pregnancy, birth and ultimately their life. Then they arrive and you're dealt whatever hand you've been given and that's that. If your child isn't "normal" you pray and wish that they would be. You bargain with God and research what you can do to change the situation. All you want is for your child to be like everyone else. Even if your child is "normal" you watch them grow and develop and want them to reach certain milestones at the right times and do what they should be doing based on their age. They attend daycare or pre-k and we tell them to do what everyone else is doing. If they don't, it's a problem.

Sit in your chair like your friends.

Walk in a line with your classmates.

Follow directions.

It's not time for that, it's time for this.

Do it like I'm showing you.

Watch her do it and copy her.

Not like that, do it this way.

We don't behave that way here.

Don't get me wrong...I'm all about the learning environment, classroom management and maintaining expectations. Here's what I think is crazy. We want our kids to conform, until we don't want them to. Middle school comes along and we hit them with the importance of being an individual. We tell them to own their diversity and stand out in the crowd. We preach the importance of not doing something just because everyone else is doing it. We pray we've raised strong enough children to stand up for themselves and stay true to who they are. But did we really teach them to do that as a society?

I'm really worried for the children like Emmie. She already struggles with the concept of conformity. She is in a private 3 year old pre-k class and I already fear that she's the "bad kid." She just doesn't do what the other kids naturally do. Oh, I'm sure the other kids have their moments. However, Emmie's moments seem to be all the time, every day. I'm sad for her. She's doing what feels natural in her heart and mind, but it just looks like she is a brat that has been spoiled or lacks discipline. I often want to share, "She can't help it, she has autism." It's taken a lot for me to stop offering that up each time we are in a different situation or meet someone new.

I think she will eventually get it. She'll get used to the new structure and order and eventually she will get her actions and emotions under control while she's there. But then what? Will we have taken away a part of her natural personality and spirit that I love so much about her? What will happen when we switch ideals on her and tell her it's time to be an individual again. How confusing will that be for her?

I wish we could live in a world where Emmie could always be herself and never have to worry about fitting into a mold. I know all our kids can't run a muck all the time, but constantly suppressing your child's natural instincts is tiring. I think we are doing everything we know to do as educators to make the world an easier and better place for students like Emmie. It's just hard sometimes; living on both sides of the situation. I work in special education and I parent a special needs child. I get to see both viewpoints and sometimes my feelings contradict themselves.

Emmie is my whole world, but she's not anyone else's. I think that's what scares me the most. Does her teacher dread seeing her everyday? Do the others kids already know she's different? What do the other parents think at drop off or pick-up when she is throwing down on the floor? I look at the world and others differently because I have Emmie. Others who don't have training or experience with autism, how do they look at things? Do they want their child to play with Emmie, or avoid her? Are they happy she's in their room or secretly wish she'd been assigned to the teacher next door?

All this has been on my mind a lot lately since Emmie started school three weeks ago. We thought she'd love it and thrive around the other children. She is always excited to go and we've already seen growth in her communication and language skills since she's started, but she can't stop getting time-out for misbehaving. I wonder how long she will still want to go.

My sweet girl. I wish I could change the world for you.