The Best I Could Do

Two weeks ago, we dropped off our oldest son at college. It's his second year, but he stayed home last year to adjust to college in general until moving off this semester.

I wondered if he was ready.

I worried he wasn't prepared for life on his own.

I worried if I had done enough.

At the beginning of the month, our youngest started pre-k! Talk about two big changes all at once.

Our middle child, Brody, stands out on his own. Brody is a gifted honors student. He has never struggled with anything a day in his life. He is an outgoing extrovert and he sets high goals and makes a way to achieve them. I've never had to "worry" about him very much.

Braden and Emmie are the ones I thank for my grey hairs! They are both extremely intelligent, but have dealt with obstacles they've had to overcome. Both are on the autism spectrum, even though Braden was never formally diagnosed. We just knew, and that was enough for us. He didn't need the services Emmie has needed, but we often had to guide his decision making process and talk about social situations more than you would with a neurotypical child. He never made friends easily and was often perfectly content being alone in his room. I worried about college and what it would look like for him. Would he be able to make good decisions? Would he be lonely? Would he make meaningful relationships?

Emmie had a rough start with three year old pre-k. If you've read my other posts, you'd know that we moved her to another church program just two months into last school year. It was just what she needed. She was accepted and loved for who she was and she thrived. For so long, I worried what an ASD diagnosis would mean for her and it finally felt like things were falling into place. Fast-forward to the beginning of this month and I found myself a bundle of nerves that she'd be entering "Big Girl School." Real school. This was it...the moment that counts. Would she be okay? Would she make it without special education service that she didn't qualify for? Would they love her?

Here we are, two weeks after leaving him, and I couldn't be prouder to say that Braden's doing exceptionally well. I'm overwhelmed with relief at his independence. Sometimes it's hard to believe he is the same teenager we had to bribe to get out of his room for a few minutes. He's happy. He's healthy. He feels a sense accomplishment. He is all the things I have ever wanted for him. My boy is going to do great things. I just have to step back and enjoy watching him.

Emmie has had a little trouble with keeping her hands to herself, but other than that she is doing well in school. Her teacher says she is figuring out rules and relationships just like her other classmates; it's all normal and developmentally appropriate. She even mentioned she feels that Emmie is gifted. We feel she may be as well, but only time will tell what will happen in the future. For right now, I'll settle for her being happy and doing well right where she is!

Brody is complaining that his AP World History and honors Chemistry classes are too demanding and he's not going to make it. He often tells me, "This is it. This is the end." He's focused on making the baseball team again this year. Making it one year might have been luck, but another year in a row means he belongs. He's practicing as much as he can and having private hitting lessons. I always try to keep him humble. The past two years I have prepared him for the reality that he might not make the team. I really thought he wouldn't and I was a wreck during tryouts. The stinker pulled it off both his eighth and ninth grade year. Let's see if he does it again. I hope he does. He loves it!

I dreaded the day we dropped Braden off, because I had to go do it with his father. A whole day of working together to get our son moved in and on his feet. I just knew it'd be uncomfortable and I was right. I pushed through for my kids, but I couldn't wait to be back by myself once my ex-husband left.

I was getting ready for our final goodbye and I asked Braden if he'd had a good day with everyone.

He said, "Yeah, just like the good ole' days with our family."

I looked at him a little sideways and he said, "I guess they weren't that good for you though mom. I'm sorry, I didn't think about that."

"They were good and hard all at the same time," I said, "but I'm glad they were good to you."

"They were. I didn't know any different."

It kind of took me a second to grasp the significance of what he said. My kids had a happy childhood, despite what was going on in my relationship. I was able to shield them from pain and disappointment, which is all I ever wanted.

I did the best I could. And it was enough.

I look at my babies and I hope I've done everything I can to make them who they need to be. I know I'm not done yet, but in different ways for each child, I have to let them go and trust I've done the best I can up until this point. Will Braden read every assignment given in class? I can't control that. Will the coach see Brody's full potential at tryouts? I have no way of influencing that either. Will Emmie always follow the rules? Definitely not - even if I tried to control that.

I've done the best I can do. Now, I pray for God to watch over them and lead them down the path he has for them. His best is way better than the best I could do.