No Time...There's Never Any Time!

I have a love-hate relationship with time.

If it were a person I could sit down and talk to, I don't think I'd make very much sense having a conversation with them. I've been thinking about the topic of time since school let out in May and I've just now sat down to talk about it! A lot of what I feel contradicts itself and I'm left wondering if I'm alone on this.

I've gotten in the worst habit of staying up until 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning watching my newest guilty pleasure, the TV show Sons of Anarchy. If you've seen it then you know why! I just need time each night to watch something other than Puppy Dog Pals or Doc McStuffins. The reasonable time to watch my show would be during Emmie's naps. Well, I'm so tired from staying up that I crash once she falls asleep and I end up napping the entire time she naps. It's a vicious cycle. But I've realized this stupidity is really part of me mourning my former life.

Before Emmie, I could stay up as long as I wanted and sleep as late as I wanted. I could watch whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I had freedom. Now, every waking moment is devoted to her, especially when I'm out of work for the summer. While I love her more than life itself, sometimes it sucks and I really miss the freedom of having older, independent kids. This is the hardest part of having a baby later in life; at least in my opinion.

My day starts at 7:30 each morning. Every. Day. No matter what day of the week or weekend it is. I have to wake up before she wakes up or I can't get ready. I know she'll be up between 7:45 to 8:00, so I know what I need to do. I should be asleep by 10:00 each night, but I'll never do it. I know me and I know I'm a glutton for the punishment I'll endure the next day. I often daydream of late mornings when I woke up to a quiet house and lay in bed scrolling my phone or flipping through channels until I was ready to face the day. It's times like these that I wish I could go back in time and feel that freedom again.

Then the guilt sets in. I was miserable a few years ago. I was enduring heartache and loneliness. I yearned for true love, and when I found it, all I wanted was a family with him. We tried for what felt like forever and I worried it would never happen. Here I am living that dream. However, I still find myself wishing time away. I think we all do it sometimes. We live for the next fun or exciting thing we are looking forward to. It could be a vacation or a birthday; maybe even just a social event. I often wish for a time when Emmie is more independent. I want to be in a place where time belongs to me again.

And then it hits me like a ton of bricks; Emmie is my last baby. I won't have another. She is the last one to ask me for a million kisses at night. She is the last one to step all over my feet when I'm trying to cook dinner. She is the last one to call me "Mama" or "Mommy", because the other two have already transitioned to "Mom" or my new favorite "Bruh." When it hits me, I want time to stop completely. I want to place us in a bubble and never leave.

I often have the same feeling about Ben. Sometimes I get really angry that I spent 11 years of my adult life trying to love someone else and get them to love me the same in return. I found Ben and I'm mad that those could have been years spent with him. I know the whole theory of "things happen the way they do for a reason" but it still bothers me that I now have less time with him than I should have had to begin with. It makes my time with him much more precious and I think sometimes I drive him a little nuts because of it all!

How can I want so many contradicting things? How can I want to go back in time, freeze time and fast-forward time all at once? What I'd really like to do is live in the moment. I'm not sure I've ever really learned how to do that.

A few days ago, Emmie kept begging me to go outside. I kept distracting her because it was hot and I didn't really want to. Then, it started to rain. I was relieved. Her little face dropped in disappointment and she starting singing, "Rain, rain, go away. Come again another day. Emmie wants to play. Rain, rain, GO AWAY!" She was standing at the door to the back yard, looking longingly out it's window. Something pulled at my heart and I said, "Who cares if it's raining. Come on baby!" She looked at me with concern, like I was crazy. I could tell she was really confused because Mommy doesn't like to get wet from the rain. She slowly eased out and had the time of her life. The joy in her face filled my heart.

I pray every day that I'll be a better mother, wife, daughter, friend and teacher to those around me. Emmie deserves my best. There will be hundreds of TV shows and countless mornings of sleeping in...one day. But there will only be so many days of dancing in the rain with with prettiest girl in the world. On my toughest days, I hope I choose to remember that.