Let's Talk About Friends

No, not the TV show. Real friends. This might take a while, so get comfortable.

I've never really needed to make friends. I was lucky enough to grow up with a sister and three female cousins, all pretty close in age. We had built-in friendships from the start and we never really needed a lot of companionship outside of each other. Obviously we grew up and went to different schools and had our own personal friendships, but we always had each other. The older I get, the more I realize...I don't know how to make friends.

I used to be pretty extroverted as a child. I'd talk with others easily and I never had trouble hanging out in groups and running around in social circles. Heck, I wanted to be a Broadway performer during one point of my adolescence. I don't really know what happened. Maybe I had to grow up too fast and become an adult unexpectedly. Maybe what I was going through in my marriage caused me to isolate myself emotionally. I'm not really sure what it was exactly, but the older I got I found myself becoming more and more introverted.

I realize the importance of friends. There's value in sharing your life and experiences with others. Don't get me wrong, I have extremely significant relationships in my life that mean the world to me and I'd be lost without them. But I often wish I could have more causal relationships with people that seem to come so naturally for others.

I'm in a tricky stage of life right now. Just three years ago I was a working mom of two older boys that had become very independent. I could go meet friends for dinner or lunch with ease. I could talk to neighbors for hours as long as the mosquitos were behaving that evening. Life was simple and effortless.

When I found out I was pregnant with Emmie, I expected life to be a little more hectic and I knew there would be a period of time where I'd feel a little frazzled until I found our new normal. I had no idea what I was in for. Emmie was a difficult baby from the start. I always felt like she was never satisfied. She was so different from her brothers, but I just thought she was needy or different because she was a girl. Ben deployed when she was four months old and I also moved schools and grade levels, all at the same time. It was a lot to handle alone. I rarely went anywhere unless my mom, a cousin or my best friend could be there to help me. I questioned a lot about myself as a mother, a wife and a Christian. It was one of the hardest times of my life.

I knew soon after her first birthday that something wasn't right. I had been a special education teacher for 12 years at that point, so I knew her development was delayed and that we needed to start evaluating her to get her the interventions she'd need early on. My gut was right and we received an Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis when Emmie was just 22 months old. I jumped into action and started the process of getting her into ABA therapy and all that entails. It's a journey for sure, but it's paid off in ways I can't begin to describe. That's another post in itself though!

I tell you all of this to give you a little background. Emmie isn't terrible-crazy hard to handle in general. It's really hard to explain why parenting her is difficult. I find when I'm trying to explain it to others they tell me all children do what I'm describing. But it's just different. I don't know how else to describe it. I'd need you to spend a few days with us, non-stop, and then I think maybe it would make sense.

I don't do much on my own with Emmie. Communication is her biggest struggle. If she is over stimulated and starts to meltdown, you can't calm her down with words. If your a parent with a child on the spectrum you quickly learn your child's triggers. You scan every room you enter looking for what will cause the next meltdown. It's exhausting. "Hey, do you mind if I hide this real quick?" "Would you mind if I shut these doors while we are here?" I could go on. You feel ridiculous, but you do what you have to do or you don't go anywhere. Ben is better about taking her out than me. He doesn't care about what anyone might think or say if she goes nuts. I'm different. The looks and what I imagine they are thinking definitely bothers me. However, she is getting much better about adapting to change as she gets older. I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Now, back to how this affects friendships....

It's hard to go on "fun outings" when you know your daughter is going to behave differently than others. Often times when I've tried, I found myself following Emmie around making sure she doesn't get in a situation that causes an issue. It's just as isolating as if I stayed home. I can't stand with the other moms and enjoy small talk. Avoid small talk for three years and see how awkward you become. Seriously.

We moved to a new neighborhood a year ago, and I can't hold a conversation with my neighbors to save my life. When we first moved in, I told myself I was going to make an effort to get out of the house more and talk to everyone on the street. I tried at first, but Emmie was young and at that point she was a roamer. She'd walk for miles and miles if we'd let her. I could never stand still and talk to the other ladies and enjoy a conversation. But if I'm being honest, I feel like I'd have nothing to say. Most days I am depleted. My tank is on empty. The only way anyone is going to get anything out of me is after Emmie goes to bed, and by then...everyone is inside for the evening. Here we are a year later. They all have good friendships and I wave as we come and go, offering a shy smile.

I miss my old neighborhood and our summer ice cream nights in Ms. Patti's yard. I think about what life would be like now if we had stayed there. A little less lonely, a little more sense of community. It's not the end of the world. Just something I think our family misses.

About six months ago, we ran into a neighbor at our community playground. She made a comment about how private Ben and I are and how much we like keeping to ourselves. It stung a little, even though it was an innocent comment and wasn't meant in any negative way. I brushed it off by saying we are really busy and maybe a little more introverted than the rest of the street. In honesty, I wanted to share that I feel like I live in a completely different world than everyone else. My life revolves around accommodating Emmie, and it just doesn't leave much to offer anyone else. I wish I could have said, "I don't know how to be a friend/neighbor right now."

Each day. week, month, and year with Emmie brings changes. She's already doing things I worried she'd never do. Just last week I decided to take her to the grocery store by myself. I prepped her the whole ride there. "We are going to the grocery store. We are going to sit in the buggy like a good girl. No fussing, cause we're a big girl." She'd repeat, "Going to store. Big girl!" And she was my big girl. We made it the entire time without any issues. Conquering new friendships might be a little harder, but I think I'll be up for it...one day. Just not today.