It's Easier Being Married to a Sociopath

I've never had more trouble communicating with anyone the way I have with my lovely, wonderful, and truly amazing husband. Things and concepts that I think are simple and make perfect sense to me never seem to be taken the right way. What's the problem here? Is it me? Is it him? The answer is probably not what you'd expect. It's neither of us. It's all thanks to a sociopath; one I was married to for 11 years before I met the man I'm married to now.

It's true! A lot of people claim to know a sociopath, but not many can testify to marrying and managing a long-term relationship with one. We tend to throw around the label when someone ticks us off and doesn't seem to care about the repercussions of their actions. There's a lot more to being a sociopath than acting a little cray-cray! Psychology Today refers to sociopathy as a "pattern of antisocial behaviors and attitudes, including manipulation, deceit, aggression, and a lack of empathy for others." It's all about intent. Anyone can display any one of the characteristics mentioned above for various reasons at some point in time in their lives. However, they typically aren't all at once and with the same intent that drives a sociopath to do the things they do. My sociopath was good. He still is actually. We married at a young age and were really each other's only serious experience with adult relationships. I truly think my time with him has altered me in ways I'll never know. However, as time passes, I'm seeing things here and there, much like what I've realized today.

I don't communicate well. I always thought I was an effective communicator until I married my current husband. I'm always asking why he has to be so stubborn and not see things from my point of view. We pick apart the words we say to each other, most of the time overanalyzing the real issue we are trying to address. Even though my first marriage was surrounded by lies, infidelity, manipulation and more, for the most part we had a successful partnership. It's almost like I was able to compartmentalize the terrible things he was doing and separate it from our everyday functioning lives as a family. We never fought about anything significant. Ever. In 11 years! Think about that for a minute. He always naturally felt the same way I did. He always agreed to anything I suggested. I never had to ask for more help or support from him as a parent or a partner in maintaining a home. He always did what I needed him to do, most time before I even had to ask. Sounds like a dream come true, right?

That's the problem; it's not real life. A perfectly flowing lifestyle and relationship only happens in movies or a dream. There should be conflicts that occur from time to time in any relationship. It just happens. You are different people, even if you have the same basic beliefs and principles that every couple should have as a foundation in a successful marriage. It took me leaving my sociopath to realize that my whole life was a stage. He was the director and he controlled each movement with such precision, he was able to control just about everything that happened in our lives.

The bathroom he painted one weekend while I was out of town with my mom and sister was not really a surprise for me to come home to. It was a project he stayed up all night finishing the evening before I arrived home, after spending that whole day with another woman. Can't be a cheater if you spend all weekend painting your master bathroom, right?

Why do I get so mad at Ben for dishes being in the sink too long? My sociopath never let a fork sit longer than 30 seconds. Why does it enrage me when there's clothes left on the floor? My sociopath hung them up immediately after taking them off. He knew every single thing that bothered me. He didn't avoid my triggers out of love, respect, or because he was just so amazing and sensitive to my needs like everyone thought and admired. He knew what he needed to do to keep the boat steady. Rock the boat and something might come to the surface that you have to address.

Affair after affair...credit card after credit card...it didn't matter how many times I found out about another woman or hidden card he took out in my name. He was a good father. He was a good husband. He's got major issues, but our house runs like a well-oiled machine. We get along so well. He leaves me notes in my car and surprises me with cupcakes and flowers; all things I thought were signs that he cared. They should have been the red flags that showed me his deceit. How can someone's actions inside the home be so contradictory to their actions outside the home? When you're a sociopath, that's just the norm.

I have ridiculous expectations for Ben because of my first marriage. Why can't he just see where I'm coming from? Why can't he just agree with me? Why can't he just do all the things he knows will set me off if they aren't done? Why does he fight me so much? Because I am not a pawn in a game of chess, and Ben is not the chess player. He is a regular person, doing regular things. How crazy, I know! He isn't analyzing every move he makes to determine how it will benefit him and a hidden agenda he has to maintain. He's just living his best life and I'm over here wondering what his problem is. It's almost comical.

It's easier being married to a sociopath; if getting your way is the end-game. You don't have to try to compromise or meet in the middle. You can get your way and life is smooth sailing. But that's only on the outside. You'll still suffer through the dark parts of your life that you don't allow anyone else to know about. It's lonely and isolating.

I don't know how to fix the way I communicate and be a better partner for my husband. It's something I need to actively do to avoid driving him nuts! However, I do know that I'd choose arguing with him over feeling a false sense of love and commitment a million times over. He keeps coming back for more, so I guess he's choosing the same.