I would have told her, "Thank you!"

Last month, I found myself at my son's baseball game alone. It was an away game and as I walked up, I noticed his dad was there alone as well. We obviously didn't sit together, but close enough I could have turned to talk to him if I needed to.

Towards the beginning of the game, a woman from the opposing side walked in front of our set of bleachers to talk to a friend sitting just past us. I realized I knew her from somewhere but I couldn't put my finger on it. Then it hit me and I was taken back to the time I first encountered her.

It had been a year and a half since his last mistake. So much had changed and I thought the therapist and I had finally gotten through to him and we were going to be okay. He had recently received his local minister’s license from our church. He had been volunteering as the youth leader, and audio-visual operator, at our church and he mentioned becoming an ordained minister. A local license by a sponsored church was the first step in pursuing this endeavor. I was a little hesitant about it all. I knew that no matter how hard we had worked, there was always the chance that he would fall back into the same patterns from his past. I should have spoken up and said something when I was asked by the church elders if I supported him in his desire to be ordained, but it was too much for me to admit to them at the time.

It was the spring of 2016, and right in the middle of little league baseball season. I saw messages from a random number and allowed him to explain what I was seeing. A woman was asking him what he was doing that day, and telling him that she'd like to see him.

“This is a co-worker from my office. You can see that I don’t even have her number saved. She reached out to me and Brad about church. We’ve been talking to her about coming one Sunday and she’s confided in us about things she’s gone through. She’s interested in visiting our church. That’s it,” he recited.

“Why does she have your number?” is all I could ask.

“Because she sold me some raffle tickets for her son’s baseball team. It was just so she could contact us if we won,” he explained with confidence.

He thought he’d really done well in explaining this one away, but something just told me to keep his phone awhile and ask this lady some questions. I didn’t tell her it was me, I just asked, “What were you thinking of doing?” She didn’t respond right away. I needed to go to the grocery store but I also wanted to get to the bottom of what was going on. I told him I as taking his phone with me and he had nothing to worry about if he was telling the truth. When she finally answered, she seemed to match what he was claiming but it was a little awkward and didn’t really answer the question.

“Oh, nothing really. Just in town for a little before going to see my boyfriend. I’ve decided I’m going to try your church. I appreciate you and Brad talking to me about everything recently,” she replied.

I decided I would come clean and just ask her what was really going on. I told her I had his phone and her initial messages to him seemed inappropriate and I’d like to know if there was anything going on I needed to know about. She immediately became defensive. I was trying to walk through the grocery store and have this conversation all at once. I knew once I arrived back home, I’d need to give him his phone back. This was my only shot at finding out the truth.

“I don’t have time for this kind of petty drama. I have a boyfriend and there’s nothing going on between me and your husband,” she snapped.

“I’m sorry you see it as drama, but I’m trying to preserve a marriage and protect what we have, so when I see an alarming message I’m going to ask about it,” I answered her.

“Well, like I said, I don’t need all this drama. I talk to your husband and Brad about church. That’s it,” she responded.

I left it at that and came home.

As mentioned in a previous post, I found out about my ex-husband's last affair after his mistress reached out to Brad showing him text messages between the two of them. The young lady I texted at the grocery store was this mistress. When given copies of the text messages, there were images of their correspondence from this day. I was shocked when I saw how low he was willing to go to keep up with his lies.

When I left for the grocery store, my ex-husband ran into our son’s room and told him he needed to borrow his phone for a minute. He immediately began texting her from my son’s phone; warning her it was me she was talking to and not him.

“My wife has my phone right now. DO NOT tell her about us. Tell her Brad and I are trying to get you to come to church and that’s all!!!” he pleaded with her from my son’s phone.

“How do I even know this is you?” she answered. He replied with a selfie to prove it was really him.

“Great,” she said “I do not like lying,” she texted angrily.

“I know, Baby. I’m sorry, but this will not be good for me if it all comes out today.”

“You need to decide what you want,” she spit back at him.

“I want you, but not this way. I have to do things the right way or else I could lose everything. Please don’t tell her!” he begged.

“Don’t worry, I lied. Your marriage is safe,” is all she replied.

“Thank you, Baby. Again, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah. Gotta love being second best,” she typed.

“It’s not like that. Just stop talking to her and don’t reply anymore to this number either,” He told her as he deleted the messages from my son’s phone.

I guess he didn’t count on her keeping everything they’d ever texted to one another and blowing up his entire world.

Now, here she was walking in front of both of us. This kind of thing only seems to happen to me, so I shared what was happening with a few friends. Everyone was dying at the situation. But I knew no one was squirming as much a my ex-husband sitting behind me. I was waiting for her to eventually make eye contact with either one of us, but after her conversation ended she just returned the same way she came. She knew we were there. It was probably hard for her to walk over to her friend. Good for her for not lettings us stop her from doing what she wanted to do.

"I kind of want to go talk to her," I told one friend.

"Really? What would you say to her if you did?"

"I think the first thing out of my mouth would be 'thank you!'" I replied.

"Thank you?" My friend questioned. "Thanks for ruining my marriage and turning my world upside down?"

"No! Thank you for your part in where I am now."

It's a weird way to look at it, but without all these other women and affairs I'd be exactly where I was 7 years ago. These women, although not 100% innocent, were his victims as well. All they had is what they were being told. I'm sure many of them felt terrible after finding out the truth of the situation. However, I've never really been upset with them. It's never been about them at all. They were placed exactly where they needed to be for my life to form into what it is now, and for their life to develop as well; whatever pain and trouble that might have caused us at the time. I only wish I could help stop the potential pain others will suffer.

My ex-husband's current wife, much like the mother of his daughter (his finance before his second marriage) and his second ex-wife once did, sees me as unforgiving and bitter. She feels like I write about him because I'm having a hard time forgiving him and understanding that he is a different person with her. Although he has never asked for forgiveness, I don't hold it back from him. I released all of that a long time ago. I'll give in on the bitterness though.

I am bitter. I am bitter at the years wasted. I am bitter about the time I could have been spending with my current husband instead of giving chance after chance to someone who didn't really want them in the end. I am bitter that my sons can't depend on their dad to be the example they need him to be. I realize I'll have to work this out own my own with God. Harboring bitterness is toxic to the soul. I'll get there. It's just hard feeling like you were cheated out of time. It's the one thing you can't get more of.

Don't be confused; forgiveness is not an issue with me. I think of all the women I know about from all the affairs and I don't have any anger or haltered towards any of them. They don't need forgiveness because I never blamed them.

I wish I had spoken to her at that game. I almost did. She was always next to other parents of her child's team, and I didn't want to embarrass her by them overhearing anything. I was also nervous as well.

I would have told her (and all the others):

"Thank you! Thank you for going through what you went through so that we could all be where we are today. Thank you for the peace in my life that I longed for many, many years. Thank you for the man in my driveway teaching my oldest to change his oil, and playing catch with my ball player. Thank you for the curly, long haired, little girl that calls me her best friend. Thank you for the strength and perseverance you fostered in my character. Thank you for a faith stronger than ever before, because He is good and always knows best!"