How I Trapped My Husband

My husband has a running joke that I duped him! I trapped him with my beauty (haha) and awesome personality and just turned the tables on him when he least expected.

I didn't do it on purpose, I promise. I feel like there's a perfectly good explanation. Her name is Emerson Katherine Baker. I blame it all on her. Once she was born, I became an emotional wreck. Seriously. Emmie went through a Toy Story phase, and I cried every time we watched Toy Story 3 and Andy gave away his toys at the end. Even after the 10th time I was still bawling like a baby! My boys thought I was insane!

I've never been a big crier. However, to say I wasn't emotional before Emmie would be lying. I can be very passionate about things and I've always been stubborn. I was also a moody child and teenager. I can admit it now that I'm older and wiser - sort of. What I've realized after being with Ben is I've never really been vulnerable. That's what he saw in me when he started to notice a change.

In my first marriage, I had to be closed off to feeling every emotion that comes with unconditional love. My ex tested the conditions of my love on a regular basis and I grew thick skin and built high walls around my heart to protect myself from the pain and disappointment of his deceitfulness. I was in a constant state of survival. I never allowed myself to need him, because he and our children needed me too much in order for us to survive.

Ben met me just 6 months after this 11 year marriage ended. I presented myself as an independent person that wasn't very lovey dovey and didn't get emotionally worked up the way "other women" do in relationships. I'm sure that was appealing to Ben! I wasn't lying about who I really was. This is actually who I believed I was as a person. From a distance, I can see that I was trying to maintain the personality I'd developed during my pervious relationship; not yet understanding that with different relationships comes different feelings, emotions and personal needs unique to anything you've experienced in the past.

I told him I liked personal time to myself so him hunting, working out and whatever else would never be a problem. Well, I can't say I really feel that way now. As you may have read in another post, I feel sad that I've missed out on time that could have been spent loving Ben. I don't want to miss another minute. So now, I'm clingy. Sigh. There...I admitted it.

I also told him I'm not over emotional and that I never cry! Well, that turned out to be a lie as well. I find it really crazy that I never cried with my ex. In fact, HE cried a lot of fake alligator tears and never seemed to get it wouldn't make me feel bad for him. It was pretty annoying. Things are very different now. I cry all the time! Seriously...when Ben and I bicker, I cry like the world is ending. My feelings of fear, doubt, worry, and insecurity feel so strong when we are fighting. It almost feels like a panic attack at times.

Before you worry about me, take a minute to realize I've never had the chance to experience regular emotions in a relationship until now! I've never been vulnerable.

I've explained how I feel about all this to Ben. I've told him it doesn't matter how petty the fight is, I automatically feel like it's the worst situation in the world when we argue. I've told him, "I literally start to doubt our love and if we can make it, even though we are fighting about you leaving dishes in the sink." He just can't grasp how I could ever feel this way. For me, it's easy to understand. I've opened my heart up completely and placed it entirely in his hands to do with as he pleases. I've done this after experiencing 11 years of guarding and protecting myself above everything else. I'm experiencing what it feels like to be loved, protected, valued and honored for the first time and it's scary. It feels so wonderful and anything that threatens it is terrifying.

As quickly as it all comes, it's gone the instant he wraps his arms around me and tells me he loves me. I get to rest my head where it fits perfectly on his chest and I feel ridiculous for overreacting. He shows me whose name is tattooed over his heart, and whose initial is permanently placed on his ring finger. He tells me there's never been a minute since we've met that he's regretted our relationship or wanted to be anywhere else but with me.

I think we both agree that I started to change the most after having Emmie. I know I joked about it before, but it's when I truly started needing Ben the most. While I loved him fiercely before, now I needed him as a partner in parenting. She was a difficult baby, and now we are navigating life with autistic child. We have to be the ying to the other's yang; the sanity when the other is losing their mind! You have to make this agreement early on or you're headed for disaster.

I often tell him I'm sorry for not being the person I was supposed to be. He tells me it's okay, because he's changed too. I could be wrong, but I think he chooses to see my transformation as a gift. I've trusted him with my vulnerability and he recognizes that. We will never be perfect people, but we are perfect for each other.

Now...if I could just get these emotions under control.