Fist Fights in the Chick-fil-a Parking Lot

I just had a fist fight with my daughter in the Chick-fil-a parking lot.

Okay, it wasn't a fist fight. We did tussle for 15 minutes in the backseat of my car until one of us won. I'm not really sure if it was me or not.

I was just getting the confidence to take Emmie out by myself. I was going on more errands and she was handling various environments and verbal direction better than ever. Then we did something crazy. We went on vacation. I know, right?! So crazy to think that'd be okay with everyone's routines and schedules.

We returned Saturday and it's been a fight ever since. There's been more tears and meltdowns the last three days than all of Emmie's three years of life combined. She is a mess and all I can guess is that she is too far removed from her routine and nothing is making sense to her right now. I'm at a loss. I'm defeated.

Emmie appears to be pretty normal on the outside. It's hard for some people to believe she is autistic. To many, she probably seems strong-willed and spoiled. She probably is those things as well as autistic. However, spoiled is not wrestling with your daughter for 15 minutes in a parking lot, in the backseat of your car while you both cry and yell at each other as you force her into a car seat. People walked by and wondered who that crazy lady was and why she was torturing her daughter in the car. They probably wondered if they should call for help. It was my worst moment/situation with Emmie to date.

I did everything right. I prepped her. I stayed calm; until I didn't. I used all the right language and tricks. It still happened. Before I knew it we were both in the back, sweating and fighting it out to see who would win. I got her in the seat, but I was so defeated. Nothing is worse than seeing your child in that state. The look in her eyes; her face all puffy and red with frustration. Nothing gets through and you are helpless.

I don't think I'll be turning this post around for any cute, inspiring ending. This is me letting you in on my weakness and insecurity. I thought we were doing really well and had figured this autism life out for the most part. We seemed to be on the downhill slide from a steep uphill climb and it felt like we were headed for smooth sailing. Emmie is being dismissed from therapy in a month and I feel like we have hit a huge setback. I'm terrified for her to leave.

Both Saturday and Sunday night we had major meltdowns before bed. She's always been awesome at going to bed and sleeping; something most autistic children seem to struggle with. While she has still slept well both nights, the bedtime routine has gone to Hell in a handbasket. She acts like she's never done any of her usual routine before. I'll spare you all the details of how bad its been.

I just don't understand how we've come so far to lose all the progress so quickly. We've gone on other trips before and have never come home to such issues. I'm angry. I'm tired. I just want to know why we are here and what we have done wrong. I reached out to her BCBA (case manager) and I'm waiting to hear back from her. Hopefully she can offer some insight and guidance, because I literally feel more clueless than when Emmie was first diagnosed.

What do you do to fix this? You can‘t spank it out of her. This is a big one people tell us to do. Just keep spanking. It doesn't work. She. Does. Not. Care. It does nothing! Sometimes we think if we ignore it she will stop. How long should I have sat in the parking lot letting her scream as she kicks and punches? I'm just at a loss. Do we just shut the bedroom door at night and let her kick the door until she finally kicks through it? I'm thinking she's strong enough to do that after seeing her strength today in the car.

I'm learning our autism journey is not linear. I think we are going to cycle through many different issues with Emmie. Pray for my sweet baby, who shouldn't have to live this way. Pray for us as her parents for peace and strength. Pray that we can keep our compassion for each other and Emmie. Sometimes choosing kind words for each other is hard when you feel like everything is falling apart.