Baggage Both Ways

Let me start this post by stating, it's a miracle that I was able to love and trust again after what I had been through prior to meeting my husband, Ben. People often ask me, "How were you able to do it? I'd completely give up on love!" The thought of giving up never crossed my mind. I'm not a quitter; a characteristic that probably kept me in my first marriage for as long as it did. Sadly, when my marriage fell apart I felt a sense of relief. I was tired of being the glue that held everything together. I wanted to be the one being held and taken care of. The idea of having a real relationship, and not just the façade of one, was really exciting for me.

Once my divorce was finalized, I joined a couple dating sites to "get back in the game" so to say. It was insane! If you've never experienced it, there's nothing quite like it. I wasn't looking for a husband, but I did want to spend time with someone that could eventually turn into something special. Ben, on the other hand, was not looking for anything specific at all. He never actively looked for wife the entire time he was single. He was happy casually dating. Somehow, the stars aligned and we crossed each others' profile. We argue about who messaged who first and often say God will have to tell us the truth once we make it to Heaven. Yes, that's my one question I am going to ask God: "Which one of us spoke first, God?! Tell me now!" I ghosted him for two weeks, then gave it a second try and it stuck! The rest is history!

Ben, read my first post last night. I watched as he chuckled at several parts, but also as he shook his head in agreement at most of what I said. He acknowledged the accuracy of what I described but also added that everyone brings their own baggage into each new relationship. That's right, he has some too. And his baggage intensifies my baggage.

Ben is a pretty relaxed person. Now, he can get passionate about certain things and get louder and louder as he gets more into a conversation. However, he is pretty easy going about plans and schedules. He doesn't really need them like I do. I'm type A and everything needs a plan, a list or a place. His first wife was like that as well. He just doesn't need that. Ben openly admits he rolled with punches his entire first marriage. Whatever she felt was best...that's what happened. He gave in to pretty much anything and everything to please her. He didn't do this because he was a pushover or weak - or a sociopath - had to include that one. He did it because he thought that's what loving someone looked like. Eventually, he realized his love and commitment wasn't being returned and he experienced similar situations as I did in my first marriage. When they separated and eventually divorced, something inside him switched. He promised himself he'd never allow anyone to have that kind of control over him ever again. He admits how stubborn he is when it comes to this!

Fast forward to when we meet. Now you have two people with conflicting baggage. What do they do? Get married, of course! Both Ben and I had an intense sense of divine intervention over our relationship. We knew after two months of dating that we wanted to be together forever. We met in January of 2017 and were married that April. It was crazy and didn't make sense to anyone else, but we knew we had found "the one." We didn't know about the baggage until we really spent a significant amount of time being married. We may have known how we both felt about things, but we didn't see how it would affect our relationship as the years go by. People would probably point out this is why you date for a significant amount of time before getting married. But I have no regrets.

So, how does it work if we have conflicting baggage? Simple. Everything else is exactly how we need it to be. I know without a shadow of a doubt I have found the one person that would never put me through any of the pain I've experienced in the past. He goes where he says he's going. He does what he says he will do. I've never caught him in a lie...not to me or anyone else. He leads our family spiritually; a burden I was glad to place on his shoulders after carrying it on my own for so long. He believes in me. And I know what he needs. He needs respect as the leader of our family. He needs me to believe in his dreams for the future. He needs me to take an interest in the things he enjoys or sees as important.

I'll pick up the carry-ons if he rolls the heavy suitcases. We'll handle the baggage together and make our own way of figuring it out. If nothing else, we can both look back on the past and realize how lucky we are that this is all we ever have to worry about. It also doesn't hurt that he's super handsome. That'll keep me going too!